I think I may be done

I've become really frustrated and disillusioned over having an internet presence in general and social media in particular.  I feel like this morning I had an epiphany.  Basically, this isn't me and it isn't what I want to BE me.

My blog has become a mostly unenjoyable responsibility for the past year or more.  I don't regularly update and yet I find that I'm constantly thinking about things I "should" blog about.  It's crazy to literally THINK in blog posts, but that's where I am.  And what's even more crazy is that what repels me about blogging and social media is the very thing that's almost addictive to me.  So often, I feel like I'm the writer of my own "Truman Show", except that I KNOW everyone  some are watching.  And it just feels wrong.

I'm sick of myself taking pictures of the most menial things so that I can post them on Instagram.  I'm tired of needing feedback and comments to feel good about something that I do or write.  I'm embarrassed that I have gotten sucked into a need, or at the very least, a definite want of ego stroking.  I remember years ago when I got dressed and LOVED it and didn't give a thought to how it would photograph.  I remember doing things and enjoying things without taking a picture or giving commentary.  I remember when I just lived my life.  When I wasn't attached to the computer.  When I wasn't a perpetual voyeur.

The computer has become so much of my daily routine. Checking my blog.  My blog roll.  My twitter.  My Instagram.  Bottom line is......the problem is me. This online presence is just NOT the person I want to be. Others seem to be able to balance it all and take it in stride.  I'm not one of them.  I want to just enjoy my life and my family.  I want to learn some new things for the sake of learning them, not so I can post, tweet or Instagram them.  I want to maybe learn to knit.  Read more.  Take more walks.  Go do things with friends more.  Maybe volunteer at a retirement home.  I want to write.    I used to really enjoy writing, but along the way, I've gotten so self conscious.  I know me.  I'm at my best the fewer voices I have in my head.

So, I'm thinking it's time to step away from blogging AND twitter and maybe Instagram at some point. Maybe I'll be back with another blog later.  Never say never, right?  But for now, I don't even want to think about that.   I want to not NEED to be seen, to be heard, to be complimented, to be noticed.

No need to comment as I won't be checking back on here.  But I did want to leave my email in case any of you want to write and keep in touch privately.  Here it is:  serenesineath@gmail.com  

Love and hugs everyone!!

Because we have everything.....and so much of it....

Peggy Olson:  I look at you and think, "I want what he has."

Don Draper:  Really?

Peggy Olson:  You have everything.  And so much of it.

Don Draper:  I suppose that's probably true.

                                          From Season 3 of Mad Men

As Americans, we really do have everything, especially in the eyes of most of the planet.  I know what it is to be American broke, but I have no comprehension of what it is to be poor according to so much of the world.  Poor, to me, is that I can't afford our Friday night pizza or, (bad case scenario) I'd have to downgrade my iphone. Or (worst case scenario), I'd have to cut off my cell phone.  

Much of the poor of this world struggle just to eat.  They don't have the luxury of trying to realize their dreams or potential.  They're simply trying to stay alive.....keep existing.  They're not concerned about body acceptance or self esteem.  Their concerns are much more dire and are fatal by nature.  In today's social media speak:  #thirdworldproblems NOT #firstworldproblems.

I was fortunate to be born an American.  To be honest, I'm not the most patriotic.  I don't believe the US has been blessed and favored by God above all other nations.  I can't even say that I'm proud to be an American, because I had nothing to do with it.  I was simply born into this nationality and enjoy the privileges it bestows.  But I COULD have been born in Africa.  Bangladesh.  Central America.  Or any number of countries where poverty, disease and want are a reality of daily life.  

A few months ago, my husband and I started sponsoring a child through Compassion International.  What I really loved about it is that we sponsor a particular child (in our case, Diana) and the $38 a month that we give, helps provide her with food, education, and hopefully hope.  We can correspond with her and she, with us.  We've already gotten a handwritten letter from her telling us about her life and family.

I'm always so leery of charities, too eager to turn into corporations, from my cynical point of view.   But, with this one, I read, researched and felt very comfortable that the funds we are sending really are making a difference.  And you know what?  At the end of the day, I can blow $40 a month on Starbucks without even blinking.  So, sending $38 a month to help a child who didn't have the luck to be born in my situation, really isn't a hardship at all.  I'm not deluding myself that I'm Mother Theresa over here!

If this moves you at all, I'd ask you to check out Compassion International and consider helping. There are children who have been waiting close to a year for a sponsor, and some are in Aids affected areas and areas that are high risk for exploitation. Heartbreaking, really.   You can make a one time donation, sponsor a child, or meet critical needs.  They are very transparent with how the money is spent and financial integrity seems to be a priority.

Have a grand and glorious Fourth everyone and God Bless the WORLD!!

Again, if you're so moved, I'd be very thankful for you to Tweet or Facebook or move this post on in any way.  Hugs and love all around!

The Sweet Wisdom of Bono

As I age in my physical life and my life as a believer in Christ, I'm more and more moved by grace.  Specifically God's grace and when I see grace in others, in my world, in relationships and exchanges.  In a "I worked for everything I got!" world, Bono clarifies so succinctly what it would take me chapters to express....

“The ones whose light will remain with me long after they have burnt out are the ones that had grace. Because it's rare that the gift comes with grace. Some of the biggest arseholes I've ever met are the most gifted. Because it's "pretty girl" syndrome. Being gifted is like being born beautiful. You don't have to work a day in a year in your life for it. You were born with it. In one sense, it's like blue blood, money, gift, or beauty. They are the things that should make you the most humble, because they are not the things you have earned. They are the things you were given. Yet, it is my experience that they male (sic) people the most spoiled. And the people who work the hardest, and who have overcome the most obstacles on their life, who have reason to beat their breasts are the most humble, sometimes. I can't get over that. it's bewildering to me. To make it through success and still have manners, to still have curiosity, intellectual curiosity, to still have some grace, to keep your dignity, that is really... rare.” 


― Bono, Bono: In Conversation with Michka Assayas