LETTER TO MY HALF PANTS:
Dear Half Pants,
You are SUCH a tease! When I first saw you, I thought, “Hmmmmm, How inn-TER-esting!” You were so different. So unique. So unlike anything that had come into my life before. So then of course, I had to try you on. The hips, the legs….PERFECTION! The waist….SHEER TORTURE…. But I was not to be deterred. I realize that anything worth having is worth a little work. And you, dear half pants, I felt sure, would be worth the work.
I snipped away at your constricting, impossibly small waistband. I added the necessary elastic. Our first moments together were spent modifying you and trying you on until I thought I had made the perfect adjustments. Awww half pants, I just couldn’t wait to wear you. I knew you were something special. I just KNEW we were meant to be together for a loooong time; sharing special moments, making memories and basking together in the spotlight that we were MADE for.
I styled you wonderfully for our first date. It was SUPPOSED to be special. It was SUPPOSED to be the first of many. But YOU! You turned on me! You slowly squeezed me. This was no lover’s embrace. NO! This was boa constrictor-slow torture-excruciating-oh.my.gosh. please let me die-how quick can I get these suckers off-that’s okay, I’ll wear these dusty overalls right out of this thrift store-please make it END-forget the blindfold and just kick the stool out from under me already-she was murdered by her pants-I think I may have a tree sized tumor growing out of my stomach, I didn’t realize that I could be vertically cut in half PAIN! SERIOUSLY! Are you KIDDING me?!?!?! I thought we meant something to each other!
Well guess what! You wanna piece of me?!?! BRING IT! I’m yure HUCKLEBERRY! Have fun at the LAND FILL BUDDY! I hope some big maingie possum sneaks up on you and uses you as his fancy new bathroom! We could have been something, but you and your short crotch and shrunken waistband ruined everything. In short……I think I truly HATE you! Half Pants…..I BREAK WITH THEE! I bid thee ADIEU and may God have mercy on your soul!
JACKET, BLOUSE & BELT: Thrifted
HALF PANTS: Satan’s child