Tuesday, March 15, 2011

~*~Why Jessica Simpson?!?! WHY?!?!?!


If I ever see Jessica Simpson in person, I think the first thing I'll ask her (after "Looking back, was a Dukes of Hazzard really necessary?") is "Why do you hate us?"  These shoes are from the Jessica Simpson collection and I've seen them all OVER the blogs.  They take a fabulous picture....peeking out from under maxi skirts, making a normal leg about half a foot longer, and giving the height that just  seems to make everything we wear look better.

I've always thought they looked really, I mean REALLY high; but when I was in Jacksonville, I had the opportunity to witness this silent killer in person.  Roaming around Dillards looking for the  elusive corset belt that I've been searching in earnest for, I came across a display of the Jessica Simpson shoe line.  Just about every shoe had this ENORMOUS platform.  I mean, seriously, climb up on top of that thing and the Ten Commandments will be delivered to you because these babies dwarf Mt. Sanai!  

But, not one to rush to judgment, I thought, "Hmmmm, I wonder how these things feel on?"  So I snatched up the Sz 7 display pair and shoved my size 7 1/2 into them.  I got one on and almost threw my hip out trying to stand up.  I kid you not, with only one on, one hip is hanging six inches below the other.  By the time I was able to maneuver my feet into BOTH of them, I started to get a nose bleed and every time I swallowed, my ears popped!  WOW!  I couldn't even walk in those things and I wear heels ALL the time.  How can I describe the sensation of wearing them?  Circus Performer on stilts?  These really aren't shoes, they're STILTS!  I could feel no floor under my feet at all and to walk in them, for me, looked a little like you see Frankenstein walk.....there's no heel-toe action here.  It's flat foot in front of flat foot followed by prayer followed by another wobbly step.  

I could feel panic setting in when I began to disembark from these arks.  There were no chairs near by and I didn't trust myself to bend down and pick up my purse and purchases without falling.  In fact, I really just needed one of those trash wands that has pinchers on the end.  I felt like if I bent over, I'd be UPSIDE DOWN!  So as I start to gingerly lift one foot to the side to unlatch the side, my ankle turns!  I almost had to make a life alert call in the middle of the Dillard's shoe department! 

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica....I ask you again, "Why do you hate us?"  Hasn't womens' history paid their collective dues?  We've forced ourselves into corsets for smaller waists. We've hoisted bussells on our butts for .....actually, I have no idea why we did that!   We've bound our feet because small feet were deemed feminine.  We've put rings around our necks because apparently a 8 inch neck is where it's at.  We've permed our hair with a trillion tiny rods and deadly chemicals because doesn't every woman look better with curly hair?  We tweeze.  We wax.  We blow dry.  We glue fake nails to our fingers.  We put flesh scorching heat to our hair.  We push up our breasts almost over our heads.  We spanx ourselves into those sweater dresses.  I mean Good Night Aileen!!!  What more do you want?!  Will you soon be debuting the Jessica Simpson Ankle Cast collection?!  

I would love to put this shoe into a time capsule and see the faces of women 100 years from now when they pull it out.  I'd love to hear how they describe the primitive women of 2010 who wore 6 inches of wood on their feet and they weren't foraging for top limb berries.  


  1. I'm with ya on this one. Sadly, I foresee many women injuring themselves attempting to wear these.

  2. You do crack me up! A Jessica Simpson ankle cast? Mind you some people are so celebrity-obsessed it would probably catch on.
    I actually love enormous platforms, the huge platform part balances out the height of the heel, honestly! Maybe these one's have been badly constructed hence the nearly-putting-out-the-hip mishap. xxx

  3. OK. Jessica is short. Maybe that's why. But why do the other shoe designers show shoes that give nosebleeds both from height and from price. And I'm still waiting for someone to explain to me the reason for a boot with toes cut out or heel missing and a sandal with a boot stuck on top. I'm wearing flats. Forever.

  4. Shy, I think you're right; as we age, these precarious shoes will have certainly taken their toll....better take our calcium!

    Vix...I know what you mean and I also think they look really cool. But the platform at the toe end of these is actually pretty narrow. It's amazing what designers are coming out with in terms of shoes, that we're actually expected to WEAR! LOL

    Judy, LOL I just can't wear a peep toe boot. Maybe one day I'll see a pair that I love, but that hasn't happened yet! Some of the strangest shoes are on the market right now, and not simply strangely decorated, but so strangely constructed that trying to walk with a normal gait in them is nearly impossible!

  5. There was a prize given at the conference for the highest heel...I was in my flat, flip flops for a reason...and could not compete. What so many do not realize is that they will pay a huge price later. I had to get bunion surgery because I wore high heels from 18-32...the bunion was a consequence. While I am grateful for the surgery, I am watching the shoes much more carefully today! Glad you came down from the sky before there was a real disaster!!

  6. Pam, I love high heels!!! Sooooo much! But this one is just more than a high heel and not as comfortable as a platform as the platform is really a bit narrow. The floor of the shoe (where your foot sits) is wider than the bottom of the shoe. That's fine if it's just a heel that is like that, by the base is just too narrow in my opinion. I'm learning so much from your attendance at the Texas Bloggers Conference!

  7. My dear you had me laughing with my coffee this morning. I stumbled across your sight from your comment on Pam @50 feeling 40. I have to admit though, this weekend at the bloggers conf(I attended w the fabulous Pam)I saw a girl in these and I was lusting after these shoes like crazy. Somehow she had mastered the walk, seemingly effortlesssly.
    Now I'm a heel girl. Only a heel can make my breath quicken in the shoe department. But I definately choose my moments. Walking around downtown? flats. Going to dinner w the hubs? The highest stilettos I got!

  8. Hey girls, just for full disclosure...I bought a pair of incredible Michael Kors platforms at a thrift shop just yesterday! I like what Penney said...wear them for special occasions, but when doing much walking, flats are often the best way to go! I am for sure not scoffing at all heels...I loved those days!!

  9. I also wonder myself who wears these shoes.The few times I saw someone on the street actually walking on those they looked so unhappy!I have no explanation other than that...the world goes crazy.And that explains a lot.

  10. And the heels this year just got out of control! But if I were 20, I'd be wearing them. I wouldnt worry about the health consequences-who does at that age? I killed my feet from ballet anyway--
    You still got it gf! This post had me cracking up--Love ya! Paula

  11. Serene--this post could not be more timely. I did a photo shoot with my two youngest daughters yesterday. My youngest has a couple of pair of Jessica Simpsons and though they look great, they practically render the woman who wears them immobile. You write about them with loads of humor. Thank you!

  12. Maybe, thanks for stopping by!!! I'm a heel girl also....love love love them. These shoes just really made me think about what crazy direction shoe styles are taking! I'm headed over today to take a look at your blog. "The fabulous Pam" suits her! Love that woman!

    Pam, you lucky woman! I love just about anything Michael Kors makes. Believe me, I wear platforms and such also, but the shoes I'm referring to were just very over the top; or maybe that was just the way I was falling when I had them on!

    Angie, maybe they were just concentrating really hard on every step! LOL It would be challenging for me to simultaneously walk and smile in these shoes.

    Paula, you're so right! The heels that I'm seeing in the magazine and runway show pics are INSANE! I think I walk in heels better now than I did when I was 20!

    Terri, I can't wait to see the pics of you and your girls! I have to say, I had fun reliving the ridiculous experience of trying these on. So glad I was alone!

    Love you girlies!!

  13. haha, it's like even in the last 3 years heel heights have gotten so high that EVERY shop has shoes like this, it's finding cute shoes without this height is the problem. I can almost FEEL the burning pain of wearing these for longer than an hour just looking at the picture...xox

  14. I so agree Serene! I love high heels BUT they must be comfortable as well, you know, so you can actually walk in them without agony or fear of falling off them.:)

    I think it just must be the trend this spring though, I was also looking at shoes this past weekend and I swear all of them were at least 5 inches high! I tried some on because they looked so elegant on the display but I couldn't possibly walk in them and I am very good at walking in heels!:)

    Anyway, I'm all about stylishly comfy.:) Have a lovely weekend Lovely!

  15. sick shoes!

    love your blog, so inspirational! i am now following so follow back!


    PS The Queen No Crown jewelry giveaway will be up this week, keep updated for your chance to win a piece of hand made jewelry!

  16. Reallyyy! The heel is not that high. Actually, I have been dying to get my hands on a pair. I know I am late on this post, however, I am still drooling over these heels (in another color of course). If you happen to find them please let me know. Thanks


Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment! ~Serene