~*~Why Jessica Simpson?!?! WHY?!?!?!

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If I ever see Jessica Simpson in person, I think the first thing I'll ask her (after "Looking back, was a Dukes of Hazzard really necessary?") is "Why do you hate us?"  These shoes are from the Jessica Simpson collection and I've seen them all OVER the blogs.  They take a fabulous picture....peeking out from under maxi skirts, making a normal leg about half a foot longer, and giving the height that just  seems to make everything we wear look better.

I've always thought they looked really, I mean REALLY high; but when I was in Jacksonville, I had the opportunity to witness this silent killer in person.  Roaming around Dillards looking for the  elusive corset belt that I've been searching in earnest for, I came across a display of the Jessica Simpson shoe line.  Just about every shoe had this ENORMOUS platform.  I mean, seriously, climb up on top of that thing and the Ten Commandments will be delivered to you because these babies dwarf Mt. Sanai!  

But, not one to rush to judgment, I thought, "Hmmmm, I wonder how these things feel on?"  So I snatched up the Sz 7 display pair and shoved my size 7 1/2 into them.  I got one on and almost threw my hip out trying to stand up.  I kid you not, with only one on, one hip is hanging six inches below the other.  By the time I was able to maneuver my feet into BOTH of them, I started to get a nose bleed and every time I swallowed, my ears popped!  WOW!  I couldn't even walk in those things and I wear heels ALL the time.  How can I describe the sensation of wearing them?  Circus Performer on stilts?  These really aren't shoes, they're STILTS!  I could feel no floor under my feet at all and to walk in them, for me, looked a little like you see Frankenstein walk.....there's no heel-toe action here.  It's flat foot in front of flat foot followed by prayer followed by another wobbly step.  

I could feel panic setting in when I began to disembark from these arks.  There were no chairs near by and I didn't trust myself to bend down and pick up my purse and purchases without falling.  In fact, I really just needed one of those trash wands that has pinchers on the end.  I felt like if I bent over, I'd be UPSIDE DOWN!  So as I start to gingerly lift one foot to the side to unlatch the side, my ankle turns!  I almost had to make a life alert call in the middle of the Dillard's shoe department! 

Jessica, Jessica, Jessica....I ask you again, "Why do you hate us?"  Hasn't womens' history paid their collective dues?  We've forced ourselves into corsets for smaller waists. We've hoisted bussells on our butts for .....actually, I have no idea why we did that!   We've bound our feet because small feet were deemed feminine.  We've put rings around our necks because apparently a 8 inch neck is where it's at.  We've permed our hair with a trillion tiny rods and deadly chemicals because doesn't every woman look better with curly hair?  We tweeze.  We wax.  We blow dry.  We glue fake nails to our fingers.  We put flesh scorching heat to our hair.  We push up our breasts almost over our heads.  We spanx ourselves into those sweater dresses.  I mean Good Night Aileen!!!  What more do you want?!  Will you soon be debuting the Jessica Simpson Ankle Cast collection?!  

I would love to put this shoe into a time capsule and see the faces of women 100 years from now when they pull it out.  I'd love to hear how they describe the primitive women of 2010 who wore 6 inches of wood on their feet and they weren't foraging for top limb berries.